[Deleted]
My first day of school In this short paragraph, I struggled to describe one moment as detailed as possible using figurative language wherever I could. I'd appreciate any help with word choice or grammar... As I leaf through the diary of my life in my mind, the memory of the first day of my schooling unlocks the door of the diary outstandingly and comes into my mind and heart. It was a pretty cold and dark fall day as I can remember, although I wonder if it really was or not. Since, without hyperbole, it was the first most frightening experience in my life. The main concern of mine was being away from my loving family especially my tender mother, spending haft of the day away from that safe, secure and intimate environment compared to a totally new atmosphere full of unfamiliar phenomena and people. School was only a single word but there was a world behind it for me. A world composed of teachers, classmates, principal, principal-assistant, the big black board with long white chalk pieces, hard uncomfortable benches, darkish classrooms, etc. With this presupposition of school in mind, I sat down for breakfast wearing my new carefully ironed uniform. My mother fed me tea along with bread and cheese. Actually, I could not swallow it at breakfast since I was stressed out… Hope it wasn't childish and boring. ;)
Aug 31, 2014 10:29 AM
Corrections · 6

This is actually a very difficult text to edit... But I feel as though this was is better though


Leafing through the diary of my life, I recount the memory of the first day of my schooling career, and the reminiscence warms both my heart and mind.

 

It was a rather cold and dark fall day as I can remember, although I wonder if it really was or not, as, without any hyperbole, I feel it to have been the first most frightening experience of my life. My main concern was being away from my loving family, especially my tender mother.  Spending half of the day away from my home, a safe, secure and intimate environment, compared to a totally new atmosphere, full of unfamiliar phenomena and people. School was only a single world, but for me, a world existed behind it. A world composed of teachers, classmates, a principal and his assistants, a big black board with long white chalk pieces, hard uncomfortable benches and darkish classrooms. I had invisioned this atmoshphere in mind, and had I sat down for breakfast wearing my new carefully ironed uniform. My mother fed me bread and cheese, along with tea. I recall that I could not swallow any of it at breakfast as a result of my stress.


Okay.. I hope this helped.

 

Khoda hafez.

August 31, 2014

My first day of school

In this short paragraph, <em>(as paragraphs go, it is not short!)</em> I struggled to describe one moment in as much detailed as possible using figurative language wherever I could. I'd appreciate any help with word choice or grammar...

As I mentally leafed through the diary of my life in my mind, the memory of the first day of my schooling unlocks the door of the diary outstandingly and comes into my mind and heart. It was a pretty <em>(pretty is a feeble word - drop it)</em> cold and dark fall day as I can remember, although I wonder if it really was or not. Since (without hyperbole) <em>(brackets work better as an aside)</em> it was the first most frightening experience in my life. The My main concern of mine was being away from my loving family (especially my tender mother) and of spending even half of the day away from that safe, secure and intimate environment compared to in a totally new atmosphere full of unfamiliar phenomena and people. School was is/may be only a single word but there was <em>(no problem mixing present tense 'is' with past tense 'was' here)</em> a world behind it for me - a world composed of teachers, classmates, principal, principal-assistant, the big black board with long white chalk pieces, hard uncomfortable benches, darkish classrooms, etc <em>(leave out the etc - it clangs)</em>. [With this (presupposition(?)/intimidating image(?) of school in mind,] <em>(I'd rewrite that whole clause much more simply)</em> So it was, full of dread, I sat down for to breakfast wearing my new, carefully ironed uniform. My mother fed made breakfast for me of tea (<em>I think we would put 'tea' last, not being food at all)</em> along with bread and cheese. Actually, I could not swallow it anything at breakfast since I was stressed out…

Hope it wasn't childish and boring. ;)

August 31, 2014
We should be careful when making attempts to use figurative language... Someone an over-eager effort in this regard leads to us tripping over ourselves, and then our thoughts become difficult to decipher. This was a good submission though.
August 31, 2014
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