Mumtaz
Community Tutor
I Want To Breath And To Belong... What a pleasant constant dream, to talk about my homeland with pride and dignity in loving attitude and nostalgic tone, It's not about where I was born, or what they offered me in return If I do things the way they forced me to do, whether it's false or true, It's saying the whole facts using my full name away from aliases to be saved from any drastic actions out of the blue, Patriotism is never about paid poems to kings that are more like thieves and so similar to talking puppets on thrones, And the land that gave us everything is not a watermelon that you hover over and wait for your share in a piece or two, Loyalty is not a national song or a folk dance, and definitely is not a flag over your car or on your jacket where it shines and glow, It's to be raised from slavery to freedom and to live in a better place than the jungle where animals are suppose to live and grow, Our basic human rights are preserved for us from birth and they're not a favor that we need to thank anyone for unless we've no clue, We need to think, to create, to belong and to breath without being choked as if we caught a fever from a strong virus of flu, Is it possible to be really safe to speak our minds one day? or are we going to be locked up forever in chains? I only wish I knew...
Oct 24, 2014 12:22 AM
Corrections · 7
1

This is a lovely poem, and you've done well. The meaning, and even more so if the reader knows which part of the world you come from.  

 

I Want To Breath And To Belong...

What a pleasant constant dream, to talk about my homeland with pride and dignity in loving attitude and nostalgic tone,

It's not about where I was born, or what they offered me in return if I do things the way they forced me to do, whether it's false or true or false, [true and/or false is a collocation that always goes in the order true then false]

It's saying telling all of the whole facts using my full name, away from aliases to be that saved from any drastic actions coming out of the blue,

Patriotism is never about paid poems to kings that who are more like thieves and so similar to talking puppets on thrones,

And the land that gave us everything is not a watermelon that you hover over and to wait for your share in a one piece or two,

Loyalty is not a national song or a folk dance, and definitely is not a flag over your car or on your jacket where it shines and glows,

It's to be raised from slavery to freedom and to live in a better place than the jungle where animals are supposed to live and grow,

Our basic human rights are preserved for us from birth and they're not a favor that we need to thank anyone for unless we've no clue,

We need to think, to create, to belong and to breath without being choked as if we caught a fever from a strong flu virus of flu, [to make this rhyme, you could say "virus like the flu"] 

Is it possible to be really safe to speak our minds one day? Or are we going to be locked up forever in chains? I only wish I knew...

October 24, 2014
1

I Want To Breathe And To Belong...

What a pleasant, constant dream, (it is) to talk about my homeland with pride and dignity in a loving attitude and nostalgic tone way.

It's not about where I was born, or what they offered me in return If I do for doing things the way they forced would force me to, good or bad. do, whether it's false or true.

It's saying the whole facts truth using my full name, away from aliases to be saved that would save me from any drastic actions consequences out of the blue.

Patriotism is never about paid poems to kings that are more like thieves and so similar to talking puppets on thrones.

And the land that gave us everything is not a watermelon that you hover over, and wait  waiting for your share in of a piece or two.

Loyalty is not a national song or a folk dance, and it definitely is not a flag over your car or stuck on your jacket where it shines and glows.

It's to be raised from slavery to freedom and to live in a better place than the jungle where animals are supposed to live and grow.

Our basic human rights are preserved for us from birth and they're not a favor that we need to thank anyone for unless we've no clue we're clueless.

We need to think, to create, to belong and to breathe without being choked as if we had caught a fever. from a strong virus of flu // without being choked by fear as though it was a disease.

Is it possible to be really safe to speak our minds one day? Or are we going to be locked up forever in chains? I only wish I knew...

*watch out for the difference between full stops (.) and commas (,)
* "Breath" is the noun, "breathe" is the verb.  Eg. "When I breathe, I take many deep breaths."
*mostly I just chose slightly different words to make it sound more natural. Purple sentence above is an alternative suggestion, if that is what you meant.
*
I like the image of the watermelon :) Good job Mumtaz, keep it up!

October 28, 2014
I hope it will be corrected by a native speaker, thanks in advance for the time and effort :)
October 24, 2014
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