IELTS task 1."the Population of Asian Elephants".Could you please correct my notes?Thanks in advance The graph demonstrates changes which took place in the number of Asian elephants during the seven-y

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Sarah

IELTS task 1."the Population of Asian Elephants".Could you please correct my notes?Thanks in advance The graph demonstrates changes which took place in the number of Asian elephants during the seven-year period from 1997 to 2004. During the seven-year span, India witnessed the most striking decrease in the proportion of elephants, falling from 1000 to slightly over 7000. Furthermore, the population of Malaysian elephants plummeted tremendously from 3000 to approximately 1000, representing a three-fold decrease. In 1997, there were about 4000 elephants in Thailand, while the figures dropped to 1000 in 2004, which shows a quadruple decrease. Chinese elephants also slumped substantially from 1000 to 500. With respects to Cambodian elephants, there was a slight increase in the proportion of elephants between 1997 and 2004. However, over the same period, the population of elephants in either Laos or Vietnam plateaued at nearly 1000. To conclude, it is clear that the number of Asian elephants in most countries declined greatly during the seven-year period.

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Hello Sarah! This is a really advanced entry! All of the corrections I made (exept changing either to both) are minor, and your essay would be perfectly fine without them. You write really well, so kudos to you! :)

IELTS task 1."the Population of Asian Elephants".Could you please correct my notes?Thanks in advance

The graph demonstrates changes which took place (not necessary) in the number of Asian elephants during the seven-year period from 1997 to 2004.
During the seven-year time span (was not wrong, just sounds better to me), India witnessed the most striking decrease in the proportion of elephants, falling from 1000 to slightly over 7000. Furthermore (Furthermore is used to build up on a previous agrument or point, so it doesn't quite fit here because you are only introducing new information) the population of Malaysian elephants plummeted tremendously as well (to replace furthermore) from 3000 to approximately 1000, representing a three-fold decrease. In 1997, there were about 4000 elephants in Thailand, while the figures dropped to 1000 in 2004, which shows a quadruple decrease. Chinese elephants also slumped substantially from 1000 to 500.
With respects to Cambodian elephants, there was a slight increase in the proportion of elephants between 1997 and 2004. However, over the same period, the population of elephants in both Laos or Vietnam plateaued at nearly 1000.
To conclude, it is clear that the number of Asian elephants in most countries declined greatly during the seven-year period.

Great job!! You are almost perfect! :D

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Just a couple of notes here, Sarah.

Proportion isn't quite a suitable replacement for number.

Your writing will improve dramatically if you start to think more about how to construct your paragraphs. Make the first sentence a topic sentence which lays out the argument you are going to make. The following sentences should provide the ammunition for your argument, and the last sentence should be a conclusion.

Looking at the graph, I see the following: The number of Asian elephants has declined substantially; In seven countries there was a decrease in the number of elephants; In four countries there was a dramatic decrease in the number of elephants; In two countries the number declined slightly; In one country the number stayed the same; In one country the number increased.

As a writer, your job is to put this information into a clear, direct, readable form.

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