Reading books versus watching TV in free time

When you have a(some) free time, which is better to enjoy your time, reading books or watching TV? Some people say that reading books is better in free time. If people read books, it is easy for them to get useful information. In addition to, reading books help people to enhance their critical thinking. Others say that watching TV is better way to enjoy their time. Because people are able to alleviate their stress and they also get a lot of information through TV like reading books.
I prefer watching TV in a(my) free time because of above (the following) reasons.
First, when people watch TV program such as movies, sports, shows and cartoons, they are able to feel fun through those programs. As they feel fun and happy, it is possible for them to relieve their stress. When they come back to work, they can concentrate on their work. Work efficiency is getting better. (Their work efficiency will be better.)
Second, when people watch educational programs, documentary programs, they are able to get a lot of information. Especially, as they watch the images together through the TV screen, it is easy for them to understand the facts than(compared to) reading books.
Therefore, I prefer watching TV to reading books in my free time.

Good job the markings in blue are words that could be used instead of the ones that you used for this entry! 

Reading books versus watching TV in your free time

When you have a free time (1), which is a better activity to enjoy your time, reading books or watching TV?  Some people say that reading books is a better in use of free time. If people read books, it is easy for them to get useful information. In addition to (2), reading books helps people to enhance critical thinking. Others say that watching TV is better way to enjoy their time. This is because (3) people are able to alleviate their stress, and they also get a lot of information through TV just like reading books.

(1) in this case, "time" is like a plural noun, so you cannot say "a free time." You can only say "some free time," or simply "free time."  On the other hand, you can say "when you have a free moment," because "moment" is a singular noun.

(2) "In addition" is a good transition (like 그리고).  However, "in addition to" requires you to add something after "to."  Here, you have not added anything after "to."  It makes more sense to get rid of the "to," then.  On the other hand, you could say "in addition to that, ..."

(3) You can't start a sentence in proper written enlish with words like "because," "and," or "but."  There are many other words that you can use instead, however.  In this case, you could also say something like "For this reason, ...."

I prefer watching TV in a free time because of the above reasons.

First, when people watch TV programs such as movies, sports, shows and cartoons, they are able to feel have fun vicariously through those programs. (4). As they feel have fun and feel happy, it is possible for them to relieve their stress. When they come back to work, they can concentrate on their work. Therefore work efficiency is getting gets better. (5)

(4) Fun is not something usually used to describe how a person feels.  Instead, a person "has" fun rather than "feels" fun.  Also, the prhase "vicariously through" is kind of difficult, but it works well here.  "Vicariously" means "through someone else."

Ex.  "The former singer tried to live vicariously through her daughter by forcing the child to attend singing lessons from the age of 3."

(5) When you are speaking hypothetically, do not use the present continuous form of the verb.

Second, when people watch educational programs, or documentary programs, they are able to get a lot of information. Especially, as they watch the images together through the TV screen, it is easy easier for them to understand the facts than by reading books.

Therefore, I prefer watching TV to reading books in my free time.

잘 했어요!