Practice for the Ielts test, writing task 2 The topic: Happiness is considered very important in life. Why is it difficult to define? What factors are important in achieving happiness? My answer

Tim.Clément

Practice for the Ielts test, writing task 2 The topic: Happiness is considered very important in life. Why is it difficult to define? What factors are important in achieving happiness? My answer: The point that happiness is very important in life is widely accepted by people from different cultural background around the world. However, it is difficult to give a clear and plausible definition to this word for everyone and it is even more difficult to demonstrate the crucial factors in achieving happiness. In my opinion, the fact that different people think different while talking about what is happiness is responsible for the hard-to-make definition and I will discuss what factors might lead people to happiness. In this fast changing world, although the world becomes more flat as we call it globalization, people do still take different positions about the understanding of happiness. Some people claim that making a lot of money means happiness, while others may argue that money is only one part of being happy. But other factors, for example, having a harmony family, is more crucial. So how could we simply give a definition of happiness while others may judge it as totally wrong? Even though the term “happiness” is hard to define, we still can do something to achieve happiness. As we can see that different people hold different opinions about happiness, so it is a splendid idea of encouraging people to be more tolerant with others especially when they have different beliefs. The mass media may report more issues about the cultural diversity around the world in order to make people to know more about the others. In addition, the government should also ensure that people have their own right to pursuit their own happiness as long as their behaviors are not illegal. As happiness is important in life, so everybody has his/her right to pursuit his/her own definition of happiness. (Please focus only on the usage of English, thanks!)

Jan 16, 2011 3:17 AM

Corrections · 3

"the world becomes more flat as we call it globalization" Both Claire and Amy proposed to change "flat" with something else. I think this is because they missed the allusion to the meme "the world is flat" (which was popularized, I think, by Thomas Friedman). They probably were aware of the meme, the way you alluded to it just isn't very clear. If you want to retain the reference, you could say: "the world is flat and becoming flatter, what we call globalization," I'd be interested in hearing your feedback on the comments. Claire and Amy were very generous with their time in commenting, a little interaction would be encouraging them to keep on commenting for others. You might even want rewrite the essay in your own words, avoiding the issues they point out. By the way, thanks for sharing your essay. Perhaps you should post something like this once a month, even if you aren't taking a test. I am thinking of trying something similar in Mandarin, but my level is lower; perhaps I will give a reaction to a published dialog or paragraph, that way I can reuse vocabulary and constructions. Good luck with English!

July 27, 2011

Practice for the Ielts test, writing task 2

The topic:
Happiness is considered very important in life.
Why is it difficult to define?
What factors are important in achieving happiness?

My answer:
The point that happiness is very important in life is widely accepted by people from different cultural backgrounds around the world. It is difficult, however, (it is considered more elegant in academic writing to use "however' as a postpositive, which means that it can't come first in a seentence) to give a clear and plausible definition <strike>to</strike> of this word <strike>for everyone</strike> with which everyone would agree, and it is even more difficult to <strike>demonstrate</strike> identify the crucial factors in achieving happiness. In my opinion, the reason happiness is so tough to define is because the fact that different people <strike>think different while</strike> have varying opinions when talking about what <strike>is</strike> happiness is. <strike>is responsible for the hard-to-make definition and</strike> I will discuss what factors might lead people to happiness. (There's nothing wrong with this sentence grammatically, but it seems unnecessary. If you're going to discuss the factors, then do it, don't tell us you're gonig to do it. There are times when telling us is the right approach, but I don't think this is one of them.)
In this <strike>fast</strike> quickly changing world, although the world <strike>becomes</strike> is becoming more <strike>flat</strike> homogeneous as <strike>we call it </strike>globalization occurs, people do still take different positions about the understanding of happiness. Some people claim that making a lot of money <strike>means</strike> results in happiness, while others may argue that money is only one part of being happy. But (You should never start a sentence with "but" or "and") Other factors, for example, having a harmonious family, <strike>is</strike> are more crucial. So how could we <strike>simply</strike> give a simple definition of happiness while others may judge it as totally wrong?
Even though the term “happiness” is hard to define, we still can <strike>do something to achieve</strike> work toward achieving (any time someone writes "thing' or "something" in an essay, it seems very vague to me, so I avoid it) happiness. As we can see that different people hold different (use a word other than "different" here for variation) opinions about happiness, <strike>so</strike> it is a splendid idea <strike>of encouraging</strike> to encourage people to be more tolerant with others, especially when they have different (again, I'd try to vary vocabulary and use an adjective other than "different") beliefs. The mass media <strike>may</strike> could/should report more issues about <strike>the </strike>cultural diversity<strike> around the world</strike> ("cultural diversity around the world" sounds redundant to me, but it may not to other people) in order to <strike>make</strike> (they're not forcing them, they're just letting them know more) allow people to know more about <strike>the</strike> others (I would specify ehre what "others" you are talking about. Other countries? Other people? Other cultures?). In addition, the government should also ensure that people have their own right to <strike>pursuit</strike> pursue their own happiness as long as their behaviors are not illegal. (Saying "their own" could either seem unnecessary or like you're adding emphasis, and I'm not sure for which you were aiming.)
As happiness is important in life, <strike>so</strike> everybody has his or her right to <strike>pursuit</strike> pursue his or her own definition of happiness.

As you can probably tell from the differences between Claire's edits and mine, there are many ways you could edit this essay. Overall, it was very good. It got your point across clearly, which is the main idea. Good job.
-Amy

January 16, 2011