Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than (x)?
“Nowadays, it is true that a various different types of music can be found in the world. Music is a vital part of human life. I would say that traditional music is more important than international music <em>[international music = folk music = traditional music; this is unclear]</em>. This essay takes a closer look at this argument
Without a doubt, music plays an important role in daily life. On the one hand,[1] For instance/First of all, it can describe the deep feelings that words can’t cannot [2]. Music connects people, no matter what the language <em>(of the music or the people?)</em>. On the other hand Likewise/Secondly,/In addition to this, it can lift people’s spirits and helps help them feel better. Life without music would be boring.
Why should traditional music be valued over the international music [3] that is which can be heard everywhere ANYwhere? Firstly, traditional music or folk music is one of the national heritages of a(ny) given country. Traditional music can help people understand a country better. It represents the history, traditions and thoughts of a community. For example Vietnamese folk music is extremely diverse and it expresses symbolizes/reflects the spiritual and cultural activities of country (rural ?)people. It is true that international music such as the R&B and rock, … are is more popular with youngsters (young people/youth) than traditional music. However, international music is only for entertainment. It can be catchy, contemporary innovative/original and exciting but it is essentially a commercial product that is marketed and sold by business people. Furthermore, we can hear a modern melody everywhere anywhere in the world and it is hard to say which country it belongs to. In other words, the unique differences among the many types of folk music can help us make a deep impression on people around the world. Traditional melodies can symbolize a country's identity.
In conclusion, music plays a central role in people’s spirits [4]and I believe that traditional music should be given regarded with more importance than international music. It <em>(what?)</em> should be should be performed and made more available to the public, particularly to the younger generation.”
1. on the one hand/on the other hand - these are for contrast; <em>on the one hand, music is good beause x. On the other hand, music is bad because y. </em>
2. since the verb <em>can</em> is emphasized here, there should be no contraction
3. perhaps you mean pop music? International Music = Global or 'World Music', a separate genre.
4. music can shape someone's spirit, play a role in someone's life, but it cannot 'play a role in someone's <em>spirit</em>'