Hi John,
The wimpy kid's statement is sarcastic. Sarcasm is where we say the opposite of what we really mean, and it is used when the real meaning is obvious to everyone.
For example, if I am really worried and about an exam, I might say "I can't wait for the exam". The statement is sarcastic, with the real meaning being 'I am dreading the exam'.
In your passage, of course the character doesn't want or need any bullies to target him. The fact that he doesn't want to be targeted is so obvious that he uses a sarcastic sentence to convey it. This sounds softer and a bit more light hearted than a direct statement.
'All I need' is a common phrase often used sarcastically to mean 'what I really don't need'. For example:
'All I need now is to get robbed' (The real meaning here is 'I really don't want to be robbed').
I hope that helps!