About My Family

My family consists of four people1. There are four in my famly, There's my father, my mother, my brother, 2 and,  of course, me.

My father is sixty-two years old. He does not work because anymore as he is retired. He is tall and fat, has got salt and pepper short black and gray hair and black eyes. My father is very humourous   funny. He and loves to make jokes to with everyone. However, he is a little absent-minded and forgetful now and then3. My father likes to Watching sports on TV is a pastime he likes 4 and his favorite hobby is fixing electrical appliances, like such as the stereo system or an electric iron.

My mother is fifty-nine years old and she is a housewife. She is small and slim petite5 with, has brown hair and brown eyes. My mother is nice and friendly. She likes to listen to music all the time. Sometimes, she can to be bossy and strict stern 6 with us and if we are not obedient do not listen to her6, she will become moody.

My brother is thirty-two years old and he is a civil engineer. He is small and slim like my mother; has short black hair and brown eyes. My brother is quiet and very intelligent. He likes to read books and listen to music like my mother3. He is impatient and can be a little impulsive to do in doing things.

I am twenty-six years old - the baby of the family7. I am student of majoring in systems engineering. I too, have short black hair and brown eyes. I am friendly but I am also a little shy. I like to see movies, listen to music and go the gym.

Your basic English is very good and you write well.  Very congent and uses the right images.  Except for minor grammar and expressions here and there, my major corrections are to show you how to make your writing more effective in ehancing the tone of the essay.  You are writing about your beloved family so I added little decorations here and there to let the love for your family shine through.  This is not a scientific paper merely producing information that is devoid of all emotion.

1.  Although it is not incorrect, it sounds like you are writing a research paper, cold and objective.  There is no warmth in it.  You are writing about your family, so tenderness and love must shine through.

2. Don't put commas before "and" "but" they are superfluous and adds to value to your sentence.

3.  Adding such words, though do no add more information but to soften the tone; to give a soul to your piece and to evoking emotions and images that are a common experience in us all.

4.  Again nothing wrong but to change the pattern of the sentences so that your work becomes more interesting.  Repeating the same structure too much makes your writing dull.

5.  Petite means small and slim.

6.  You are not longer little kids and need not be obedient and she has to be strict with you call.  "Stern" and "Listening to her" are better choices.

7.  Similar to 3 but injecting some humour to your piece.