When you are listening to someone with a problem speak gently and in a low tone. 
Oh dear, that's not fair
OK, OK, Calm down
Don't worry
Everything will work out

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Everyday English with Teacher Alyse

Speak gently

Many of us have a preferred way of dealing with conflict. However, the way you respond to conflict should depend on the situation. So, take time to consider the situation and decide on the best way of dealing with that conflict. 

Giving in:
You’re probably right.
I’m happy to do it your way.

Avoiding:
I’d prefer not to talk about this now.
I’ll leave it to you to decide.

Forcing:
Let me tell you how this made me feel.
This is what I think we should do…

Compromising:
If I (do this) can you (do this)?
I’m happy to agree on (this) if you can (do that).

Working together:
I’d like to hear your side of things.
What do you think is the best way forward?

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Managing conflict phrases

The people you meet might respond to uncertainty differently than you. Consider seeing things from their point of view and adapting a little. Listen to this story of Nicole and Susan. 

Nicole likes routines and likes to plan in advance. Every Sunday she spends the afternoon and evening at her parents’ house. Every Monday she meets her best friend for lunch and every Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings she goes to a café and reads. Having some control over what’s going to happen makes her feel safe. Then one day Nicole meets Susan. Susan never plans things in advance, is always late, and prefers to be flexible. She likes to make decisions based on how she’s feeling that day and feels that doing the same thing is limiting. Nicole tried to make plans to meet for coffee in advance, Susan sounds uninterested, but she never gives her definite answers. Her behavior really annoys Nicole. 

With people who don’t mind uncertainty …

Remember that you can learn a lot from the unknown and the unfamiliar.
Show flexibility.
For example:
For me, either way is fine.
Let me know what you’re comfortable with.


With people who avoid uncertainty …

Offer details when making decisions.
Provide a context with background information. 
For example:
The reason I do it this way is…
Let me explain why (I’m doing this).

Show you understand the importance of structure and plans. 
I understand the (structure/flexibility) is important / means a lot to you.
I can see why you (spend time on planning).

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Adapting to different ways of dealing with uncertainty

Think of a situation where someone wanted to give you feedback on something you did. How did they do it? How did you feel? 

Giving positive feedback
I really like the way you __________.
I must say you're so good at ___________.
I've heard so many people saying such good things about ________.

Showing positive intention
I have some thoughts that might be useful.
I have some ideas that might help if you'd like to hear them.
I'm saying this because I'd like to support you.

Giving clear developmental feedback
It seems to me that ________.
Maybe you could _________.
Have you thought about _______.

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Giving Feedback

How to manage group conversations

To show you are not familiar with a topic

What’s (______)? Sorry, I don’t know what that is.
Can I get you to explain (_______) a bit more? I’m afraid I’m a bit confused.

You can link to a topic that is familiar to you

This reminds me of …
On the topic of (______), have you heard of (_______)?
That’s interesting. I’ve also heard that ….

Remember to involve quieter members of the group

Was it the same for you?
What about you?
What do you think? Do you agree?
I really want to hear what (_____) thinks about this. 

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Managing group conversations

Everyone makes mistakes and it’s important to know what to say or write to structure an apology.

You should say what you’re apologizing for, admit the mistake you’ve made and explain what happened and the reason for your mistake. Say what you’ve done or what you’re going to do to correct the mistake.  

Apologizing and admitting fault

I’m so sorry I…
I have to apologize for…
I can imagine you must be very… about…
It was my fault/mistake.
I didn’t mean to…

Saying what you’re going to do about the mistake

In the future, I’ll ensure / make sure that I…
I’d like to make it up to you by…
Will you let me…to make up for my…mistake?